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Joke of the day

"You're in such bad shape,
if you threw yourself on the floor you'd miss."
What does a footballer and a magician have in common ?
Both do hat tricks !
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly.
Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?'
The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Three fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and was facing relegation.
"I blame the manager" said the first...
"if he would sign new players then we could be a great side"
"I blame the players" said the second...
"if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals"
"I blame my parents" added the third...
"if I'd been born in another town I'd be supporting a decent team!

After a visit to the doctor, Provincial team centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."
"Yes, I am," He replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."
"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"
A famous footballer and his new girlfriend go on one of their famous spending sprees and she sees a dress she particularly likes. "Can I try that dress on in the window, honey?" asks she. "Nah, I don't think so, Victoria," replies he. "You'd better use the changing room like everyone else."
It is the heart of Winter and David decides to relax by going ice fishing. He drives to the nearest frozen lake, cuts a hole in the ice and settle down to fish. Out of the blue he hears a great, booming voice.
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Understandably a little shaken, he pours himself a nice cup of sweet tea from his Thermos, moves a little further down the lake, cuts another hole and starts fishing.
"There are no fish under the ice!" intones the booming voice once more.
Quite unsure what is happening, David decides he must be hearing things, moves further along the ice, cuts yet another hole and starts fishing.
"There are no fish under the ice!" booms the voice for a third time.
"How do you know?" cries David. "Who are you? Can it be that I am listening to the voice of God?"
"No," returns the deep voice. "You are listening to the manager of the ice rink."
The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around. them and passing between them before shooting for goal.
After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.
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Predictions for Premier League

Home team - Away team Forebet
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West Ham

20/10/2017 19:00
flag_1 PR
Chelsea FC
Watford FC

21/10/2017 11:30
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Swansea City
Leicester City

21/10/2017 14:00
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Stoke City

21/10/2017 14:00

England Premier League - predictions, tips, statistics

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